PORNO SLAM (PT I)

The house was quiet and I had my Bible, still meditating... I cannot remember what portion exactly but I sure know I was reading and not studying; more out of religion than unction...

Then the urge consumed me... thing about pornography and lust is, once you give them leg room, they take the whole palace... it’s like the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil; once tasted, it is configured into you, until there is a regeneration... It reinforces itself; once attempted the only thing that slakes it is indulgence... It is worse than an obsessive-compulsive-disorder; only that other people rarely get to know about it ‘cos it is heart-ridden. Its stronghold is SECRECY...

I felt like a plummeting plane under the influence of gravity... Staying afloat was an option but my partnership with pornography had the better part of my brain... Therefore, I picked up my collection - Worth a Bank managers wage for 2 months – and slotted in my vintage... Deep down inside, I felt the Holy Spirit tug at me but this grind was so groovy [at least, so I thought] that my 23-year-old flesh suppressed my 2-year-old spirit...

10 minutes later it was all over, ‘cos I had seen every second of my entire collection and was fighting the urge to buy more...then my entire being packed up its baggage, got on the condemnation flight and went on a guilt trip... destination? Remorse Island; where all guilt-trippers go... What had I done? My Bible was staring at me...my spirit was weeping within...my emotions were tossed back and forth and the blank screen was grinning at me!

Throughout that day, everything went awry ‘cos of 10 minutes...you know what! God! I needed help...so I picked up my treasure of a collection and destroyed it...yeah! Relief... but that was like scooping a cup of water out of the pacific...How was I supposed to erase the details in my thoughts? Boy! Am I imaginative? I could scare two Stephen Spielbergs! So the collection was gone but the storage device was brimming with ill essence like a drunk on a binge.

Thus, began my battle...toilet...remorse...bathroom...shame...late night...compunction...not that I didn’t have a girlfriend...but porn and masturbation had become like feeding to me...it was chronic whenever the pang came on... my worst night mare was the internet... I could hardly browse without “porning”, this would lead to escapades in dark moments..., and I could not spend time alone without lust hopping on me and skating my thoughts on lanes that only screens can graphically clarify...

What exactly was I doing wrong? This idiot was eating my senses up... messing my grace up... having a work-over on my turf... but I had not taken the fight to it – head on; I was fighting with words and not actions... then I engaged some actions and started fasting...big deal! Even during my fasts, this idiot would slam me face flat in the mud...Jeez, SOS!

I grew up a church boy, but adolescent rebellion got me into booze, weed, red-light districts, and of course pornography with tonnes of masturbation that would scare the devil, the other acts of rebellion were done away with except for pornography lust and masturbation... and at this point I was born again...yes! I was... the funny thing is I openly condemned people who watched pornography; folks who did not see anything wrong with it! A hypocrite I was...the dirtiest! A fraud that preached for others to change while wallowing in lust... do not laugh. This was a slam...a jail-term that had no definite term!

This fraudulent lifestyle was becoming more like death row where you found no way out and stymied my growth spiritually... at 25 this had become a major impediment on my focus...

Notice this, I was feeling guilt ‘cos I had the Holy Spirit in me but I just could not bring me to obey Him – reason being that I had not given Him full charge of me and I was not feeding my spirit.

As sick as my lifestyle was, the Holy Spirit was using me at periods where the idiot would let me be for a month, two, or three... I would preach the Gospel and get people saved! Yep, the Holy Spirit used me even in my weaknesses... during these periods I would confess that I have been crucified with Christ that the life I live, I live in Christ (Gal. 2 v 20) and affirm the realities of Romans 6 v 4 but when the porn bug returned it was with a bang... I was not transformed because, I was not acting in accordance with my confessions - I spent more hours watching movies and reading materials that did not edify my spirit than studying my Bible and praying.

This dude tormented me until August 2010...Yes! Do not be shocked if I ever berated you for messing with lust before this date... do not scoff either, ‘cos the guy who did that is no more... You want to know what happened to that dude? I crucified him with Christ...

...to be continued